No one really cares.

Sometimes people wonder why I am so quiet.  It's not that I don't have anything to say, I'd much rather observe those around me. 

It's amazing what you can learn by just observing. When you can look pass the lies, the aggression, the "show off" and see something not everyone else can see. 

I actually have alot to say but I have learned the hard way that not everyone really cares about your opinions. Some people just wanna hear what you say then they misquote you or judge you, and some simply ignore you. 

The past month has been very challenging for me. From security breaches, to my mom's best friend passing away, to dealing with argumentative people who are apparently never wrong. 

I had my plate over flowing. This definitely took a toll on me mentally. I started having regular panic attacks. My depression was resurfacing and those mood swings were off the charts.

I found myself wanting to curl up into a ball and cry. It took a lot of praying and a lot of progressive muscle relaxation techniques to calm down . I am still struggling with the back end of this but I am hopeful.

One thing I have learned throughout this ordeal is that no one really cares. They either wanna know  your business to talk about you or to throw it in your face later. 

I realized that I can trust in God and take my problems to him, I can certainly trust my therapist thanks to a confidentiality clause. And I know I can always talk to my mom. 

Sometimes we feel alone, like there is no one to turn too. There is always one person that God will place in your life who will be there for you .

Don't be discouraged today, have faith that everything will work out like it's supposed to. God is great. Remember Jesus loves you .

Thank you for reading the ramblings of my over analytical mind. Until next time, be kind.

Latoya.

Are you crazy ?!?

A man came to our home last night. Though he is technically related to me, he is not someone  who has been in my life.

Nevertheless this guy came to my house and began asking a million questions about my life.

He began questioning our choices, such as our choice to go to church and to serve God. Our choice to be women of virtue rather than $2 whores.

I stood in awe as this person tried to criticize every area of my life and even tried to insult my intelligence and my physical features.

You know what I realized.... I am a child of God. I know who I am. Many years ago I felt very lost and confused but now I know who I am. I am not afraid or ashamed to stand up for myself and for others.

 I  still find it difficult at times to hold my tongue, but I see improvement. So I thank God for these tests, because they show me that I have grown and matured.

It is never easy having someone criticize you to your face. But I have learnt how to tactfully put them in their place.

Thank you Jesus for the strength and the motivation you have given me.

Keep it coming haters. God will continue to bless me the more you curse me and hate me.

I feel blessed, motivated and inspired today.

God is great.
Thank you for reading.
Until next time,
BE KIND.

Don't Speak !!!

Something happened to me about a week ago that left me feeling down. Strangely enough, it's not the first time something like that occurred, but it still hurt. 

A close relative, for probably the 50th time, insinuated that I should end my life because they felt like depression has been "bugging me" for too many years.

Now I have tried relentlessly to educate my relatives about depression. I have explained how certain words or phrases should not be used when speaking to a person who struggles with depression. One of those examples would be "just snap out of it", one of the most insensitive things you could say to a depressed individual.

Compared to where I was seven years ago, I have come a very long way and I am proud of my progress. I remember the days when I could not drag myself out of bed to do anything. So though it may seem insignificant to some, I am progressing.

These statements have caused major upset to me, but I can see how I have grown and matured. Though these words hurt my feelings, I did not dwell on it or allow it to consume me. 

I am still learning how to deal with these things, but I will never stop fighting to get to where I want to be. The key here is to have trustworthy people you can turn to, who will be able to give you a word of encouragement.

Some people may ask why I chose to make such a private situation public. Well, it's because so many people suffer in silence and many have no one or nowhere to turn and as someone who has been through this I want to share my experiences.

In that moment of belittlement, you feel helpless and absolutely hopeless and having nowhere to turn can be detrimental. So it is my prayer that by sharing this story, others will gain hope in knowing that things ALWAYS get better. It may not seem that way during your struggle, but it will get better.

To those friends, relatives or total strangers who do not understand what its like to be depressed. I beg you to educate yourself on the topic. And when all else fails, if you can't say something nice, just don't say anything at all. Kicking a depressed person when they are already down can lead to that person committing suicide. Love your friend or family member and know that they did not choose this. Know that they are NOT weak or pretending. Be patient with them and know it's not your fault either. Getting angry and lashing out is never the answer.

God bless you and thank you for reading. Please subscribe to this blog. Feel share to share and comment. My Ebooks are available for sale. Click the link: Get my Ebooks 

Until next time, BE KIND.

I can't believe you just said that !!!

I have been to a few churches and I have listened to sermons from various pastors. One thing that I have noticed is that they are human, just like us. And we are reminded of this fact if we LISTEN closely.

I am all for a good joke, but who determines if a joke is funny? In any social setting, it can become very uncomfortable when a joke is made at someone else's expense. Most people would take offense along with the subject of the punch line. This can happen while hanging out with friends or perhaps at work. But what do we do if or when you become someone's punch line at church?

I have mentioned before about the lack of confidentiality and privacy in our society today. As a Christian woman, I expected to find solitude at a church in knowing that what I say to these people in confidence would remain confidential.

I had one incident where a pastor stood up in church one Sunday morning and said that " Latoya left her job at the hospital to do dishes at home". Now mind you, this was in the middle of my darkest and most depressed days. That was a very sensitive time for me and I had confided in that woman about what was hurting me and she violated my trust. That left a deep scar for a long time, but I eventually forgave her.

The reason I mention this is because sometimes as Christians we feel so alone in our hurt. We can't tell non-Christians because of the misconception that our lives are perfect. We can't tell Christians because they'll assume you are sinning or some ridiculous nonsense.

I have seen first-hand people being insulted or having their personal business told from the pulpit by a pastor they trusted. Yes, we can tell a story to inspire someone else once the issue was resolved. But it is a basic human principle to get that person's permission before divulging their information.

That brings me to the jokes. As I've said I'm all for a good clean joke. But it's not funny when a pastor, leader or elder stands on a pulpit and make fat jokes about one man. It's not funny making jokes about the type of car a person drives or where they live.

Why would anyone, let alone a preacher think that is funny or okay to do? What purpose does this serve? When we embarrass others for a laugh, all we do is enjoy a moment of false superiority while making ourselves look really bad in the eyes of others.

Not to mention the erosion we are causing to that person's ego and self-esteem. We all hurt and the world is already such a cruel and ugly place. We should feel safe physically, spiritually and mentally at church. Then we wonder why people backslide.

I think many of our pastors and leaders need to self-evaluate. Check the manner in which you respond to us. Would you like someone talking to you that way? Remember, no one is a light unto himself, not even the sun.

Stay humble and keep it about God. We're trying to save souls not run people out of a church.

I pray that we as Christians will wake up and help our ministers when we see or hear them say something offensive to our brothers and sisters in Christ.

May God bless you and thank you so much for reading. Feel free to check out more of my experiences in my E-books. Like, share and Comment.

Until next time
BE KIND.
Latoya.

Who will advocate for the nurses?

I sat in the front passenger seat as I was being driven to my destination. I was looking out the car window at the people. Some in their cars, some in their yards, others waiting for transportation. One thing crossed my mind as I watched these people. I wanted to know their story. Why were they out today? What was their home life like? Were they happy? Did they have the money they needed to pay their bills? 

So many people walk around depressed and frustrated, carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders.  I know I did before I decided to ask for help. 

This brings an old saying to mind "you can't judge a book by its cover".

When law enforcement officers are involved in a shooting incident, they are offered emotional support in the form of a department therapist. As a registered nurse, we see people on some of the worst days of their lives. We see body parts missing, we see gunshot injuries, we deal with dead bodies, we see people who tried to take their own lives, we see it all yet we do not flinch. 

Some people may say we knew what we signed up for. Of course, I won't dispute that fact. But just like being on the front lines of a war. Nurses and doctors are on the front lines of our hospitals, but when the emergency is over and when the screaming stops. Who is there to offer us a listening ear? 

Nurses in Trinidad and Tobago, we have NO ONE!

I can't speak for other countries. But I can tell you, I have had many days where I felt like I didn't know myself anymore. We are trained to deal with the life-threatening situation. We throw all our emotions out the window. We have to be a mom, a dad,  a caregiver, a social worker, a secretary, a miracle worker and a police officer all at the same time. 

There is no room to feel anything and sometimes this may come across as heartless or cold to our patients. But we were trained to be robots. It's as if you are not allowed to feel anything and if you do, you just have to bury it and move on. Nurses are patient advocates. But I ask, who will advocate for the nurses.

The culture of our hospital environment: -  when a staff member has an issue in one department, by lunchtime you can bet almost all departments are aware of it. We were trained to observe the golden rule of confidentiality, yet conveniently we forget.

I have NEVER seen or heard from or been told how to access the Employee Assistance Program. Even then, with the environmental culture who would want to? I remember when I first started realizing that something was wrong with me. I made an effort to meet with the matron at the San Fernando General Hospital, where I worked. Only to be interrogated by a senior member of her staff as to what I needed to talk to her about. 

If this is what we as nurses are met with when we are asking for help. Then we can only expect to see an increase in the number of suicides and suicide attempts among registered nurses and nursing students in Trinidad and Tobago.

I have worked with one nurse in particular who was one of the nicest people I have ever met. She always had a smile on her face and a pleasant personality. I was only a student nurse when I met her. Imagine my horror when two years later I heard she took her own life.

This is the sad reality faced by many professionals. But as an RN, I am crying out for help for myself and my colleagues. I have lost a lot due to depression and anxiety. Thank God that by his grace,  thoughts of suicide never crossed my mind. Not all are so lucky.

It seems as of late, the cries of everyone in Trinidad and Tobago are falling on deaf ears. May God help us all. And may God help all the nurses out there who are in desperate need of help. 

- Latoya

The story continues

I am just one person. I have no special powers. I am not rich. I am not like the others. I can't seem to find anyone else like me.

As long as I have known myself,  I have been struggling. I have been struggling and I have been praying.

I know there is a God. I know he can hear me. But sometimes it feels like he doesn't hear me.

Does that make sense? Does anything make sense? I picture my life like a movie. But every time I think the facade is over and I can start living something happens.

I don't think I have known true happiness. I have smiled and felt love. But I never had that true, genuine happiness.

I am on this ride called my life. I don't know when and where it will end. I just want to scenery to change. I won't mind a companion along the way.

But though I am sad, I remain hopeful. Hopeful that one day, the prayer I have been praying will be answered.

Until then, this broken heart patiently awaits.

The story continues.......

I wish people knew

I wish people knew how annoying it is to have to try and read their minds. Why don't we all just say what we really want to say. There would be less misunderstandings and senseless arguments .

I wish people knew that it doesn't matter if your dad is a millionaire and you were given many materialistic privileges. If you treat others horribly, you are one of the ugliest people in the world and no amount of plastic surgery and fake friends could help you.

I wish people knew that doing good deeds should be done because it comes from your heart, not so others can see you being nice. Because it wouldn't matter.

I wish people knew that it doesn't matter if you're fat, thin, tall, short, rich or poor, you are beautiful and important.

I wish that people would just focus on themselves and what makes them happy rather than psychoanalyzing everything someone else does.

I wish people knew when to shut up. Not everything requires your opinion. The world turned before you came here and it will continue turning long after you're gone. 

I wish people knew that people like me, we are the best. We love deeply. We feel things in ways others can't. We see inside the souls of others and we look past their faults. We don't trust easily but if you're lucky enough to gain our trust, you'd see the beauty that is ME.

I wish people knew......