Someone reset my soul......

Where do I begin??
Sometimes I wanna yell f$@$ you depression and anxiety!!
You ruined my life!!

But then I think, if my life didn't take this unexpected detour would I have been the same ME?

I love people. I love helping others as much as I can. I understand people. I listen to people.

Yes, I was generous before when my life was "perfect". But I didn't really understand why I did what I did. And I never truly felt like I connected with anyone.

Now, I know pain. I can relate to others going through situations similar to mine. So I guess it's true... Everything happens for a reason.

Yet still, I wish certain family members would at least try to understand ME. I am still Latoya. I  have a hard time sometimes when I'm overwhelmed.

Sometimes I cry and I am not sure what I'm crying about. I didn't choose this. I can't snap out of it. It is a real disease that turned my life upside down.

I'm still very scared about the uncertainty of my future. I worry EVERYDAY if it'll all work out.

I try my best to encourage others even when I feel at my lowest. Because I understand what it is like to be torn down with words.

Dear you, the last time you came, you left me broken. It took a while to get the pieces back together. The glue hasn't dried completely. Now you're coming again.

Think before you speak, love me for who I am. Be yourself. Let the love of God overshadow us all and above ALL,

BE KIND.

Why me??

Sometimes I ask God to tell me what I did wrong. Sometimes I think I'm being punished for someone else's mistakes. 

But God isn't cruel. He wouldn't want to see me hurt..right?!

To say that I'm confused is greatly understated. It seems like everyone and everything around me is falling apart. 

My friends are having major problems. My family's lives are at risk.

I am scared, worried but mostly confused. I do good, I treat people with respect and kindness. Why has my life been overturned. The last seven years has been a rollercoaster ride. I am ready to get off. 

I don't want a fist full of pills to sleep. I don't want millions of dollars. I want my family safe, I want someone to love me for who I am. I just want to be happy. 

Life is unfair. Yup. So I've been told. Seems like I'm soaking up other people's share of unfairness. 

God I'm tired. 

But like Job...I will NEVER give up. 

You broke me.

Dear you,
              I have missed you for so long. I imagined what it would be like to see you again. What fun we would have and all the things we would do.

I can't even find the right words to express my feelings. You ripped my heart apart.

I know we have been separated for  many years. I know we have both experienced things differently in our lives that has changed us.

There were many times on the phone you made me feel insignificant. You made me feel like you hated me. But I pushed passed the feeling.

There was one time you told me I would be less trouble if I died. I forgave you, even though you never apologized.

You came to my home, our home. You embarrassed and belittled me. You said I was stupid and spoilt. You called me a brat.

I can see clearly now that you can not begin to understand what I go through everyday. You have no idea the battles I fight within my own self. You have no idea the progress I have made. You don't know because you weren't here.

I believe you want what's best for me. To see me happy and thriving. I appreciate that. But there is a certain way to speak to a human. I have feelings and emotions. They ARE valid. I am NOT too sensitive, I am not too emotional. I am an individual who is trying her best to beat an invisible disease.

Don't yell at me out of your own frustration and lack of understanding. Don't use obscene language Infront of me. I am a true child of God. I don't drink alcohol and engage in ungodly behavior.

So though I love you, I want you to know you broke my heart but you fixed my vision. Loved ones aren't supposed to make you feel stressed out and anxious when they are around. There should be genuine love and happiness.

I have been faking a smile since that day you almost broke down my door. I bet you didn't even notice. I was so happy and relieved when you were leaving. Then I remembered you will come again.

I wish you every happiness and I want to love you, but you treat me as if you hate me. What have I done to deserve this?

I am not a child. So when next you decide to visit I will be accommodating and considerate. But I simply ask that you have respect for me and the place where I live.

Don't yell at me, I am not a child and I am certainly not your child. Respect my boundaries. I am severely introverted and I enjoy being alone it's no offense to anyone I just enjoy peace and quiet.
August 29th 2019, you broke my heart, you broke me.

I will pray for you and I will pray that God gives you the understanding to know that everything happens for a reason.  Words are a weapon, a POWERFUL weapon that can damage a person just as bad as a gunshot wound.

I will keep praying for change. I still love you. Most importantly, I forgive you.


-Latoya.

Story of my life......

I remember a time when I only had one pair of shoes. One pair to go wherever I had to go. Those were some loyal shoes. I wore them until they died. That was not too long ago, but it seems like a lifetime ago.

I remember when I was skinny. But back then I already had the cemented thought that I was not pretty enough. Now I know that I am beautiful. Made by God, I am precious. But if only I can loose a few more pounds....


You see, we are never truly satisfied. We always have something else we want or need. Is anyone ever really happy? We smile with our friends and family. We hang out and get together. But are we happy?

I fear I have no idea what true happiness is and I fear I might die without knowing.
Life is unfair, ramblings of our elders. Trying to explain why this happened to you.

I go to church, I treat people right. I help those in need. I work my tail off. I studied to earn all of my degrees. So, why me?

No one seems to have the answer to this question.

I am not about to give up. I have worked way to hard to get here. I can't allow my dreams, my goals, my emotions, my body to die. I can't die without fulfilling my purpose.

I will not rest my beautiful soul just yet. I will straighten my crown and press on. I believe my happiness is out there. I WILL find it. I will NEVER give up.

Soul cry

NOTHING I HAVE BEEN THROUGH WILL BE WASTED!!!

It's been a very long road for me. Sometimes I think I have experienced enough to last me two lifetimes.

I have grown weary. I am tired.

BUT I WILL NEVER GIVE UP.

There are days I struggle to do anything.

BUT I WILL NEVER GIVE UP.

There are days the tears flow faster than I can dry them.

BUT I WILL NEVER GIVE UP.

There are days I can barely keep it together.

BUT I WILL NEVER GIVE UP.

I can't give up!

I have endured too much to just give up now.

My soul screams like a warrior within me

I WILL NEVER GIVE UP!

"Lord, lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters wherever you may call me "

I will be still and know YOU ARE GOD!

Why I worship...

I grew up in church from a very tender age. My life was centered around Jesus Christ.

I cannot and will not hide the fact that I serve Jesus with all of my heart and I try to be the best person that I can be.

I have always had visions of leading the congregation into worship and seeing great miracles taking place through the power of the Holy Spirit.

I grew up watching my older sister do worship, I admired her so much. I wanted to be like her.

Finally, I am at a place in my Christian life where my walk with Jesus Christ has brought me to be the worship leader at my church .

Recently, I had someone mention to me that what I had been through with depression and anxiety was not real. They said it was a spirit. I would not dispute the fact that the devil tries to attack us as Christians in various ways.

But I also won't be the type of Christian who acts like they're perfect and nothing is ever wrong with them. Depression is as real as any other disease. And YES God is able to heal any disease.

I am not perfect. I am just a human. I NEED Jesus in my life. If everything was perfect I wouldn't need him. We all as human beings have trials and crosses to bear in different ways.

I don't worship because I can carry a tune in the right key. I worship because I want to scream to the world what Jesus has done for me. I know where I have been. Thank God for bringing me to this present place and time.

I look forward for all of my tomorrows. With Jesus by my side, I can do anything.

If you are a Christian facing a difficult situation, whatever it may be.  Not everyone is going to understand you. Not everyone will take your issues seriously. But Jesus knows all that concerns us. He will NEVER leave us or forsake us.

Stay focused and watch God work on your behalf. He said "Be still and know that I am GOD."

I will trust in my God. He never fails. No matter what comes my way, no matter what people say to me or about me. I know who I am in Jesus Christ.

Have faith and remember.. this to shall pass.

Thank you for reading.
Until next time,
Be KIND .

Dear Self...

Dear self,
I wanted to take a moment to wish you a happy new year. But there are also a few other things I would like you to know.

For as long as I can remember, you have been sad. I see you smiling and laughing but I know deep inside you are hurting. I know that deep inside there is an overwhelming sadness that hits you unexpectedly and it brings you to your knees.

I have been watching you and praying for you to be alright. I am so happy to see that the dark cloud has gotten smaller. I am so happy that you are a little stronger.


 I love you more than you can imagine. I love you when you're happy. I love you when you feel sad. I love you when you feel hopeless and lost. And I will continue to love you.

Sometimes you question your life and your accomplishments. Never doubt how intelligent and beautiful you are. You have worked very hard for your accomplishments. Never let anyone make you feel inferior or out of place.

I see your tears and I have heard you cry. I want you to know that I am always trying to keep your head above the water. And anytime you feel you can't go on. Just remember to whom you belong.

Thank you Jesus for all you have done, all you are doing and for all you will do in my life. I could never have made it this far without you.

I am proud of myself. I am proud of my bravery. I am proud because I know what I am capable of doing through the grace of God.

Depression is not me. And I am not depression. I am a daughter, sister, friend. I am a registered nurse, writer, blogger, DIYer. I am a SURVIVOR.

Whatever you are facing today. Whatever storm may be in your life today. Everything will be alright. God is in control of your situation. Don't let fear consume you. You are not a disease. You are not defined by where you live, what you wear or who you know.

You are a designer's original. One of a kind. Remember God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers. He will NEVER give us more than we can handle.

Thank you so much for reading. I love you and Jesus loves you more.

Until next time
Be KIND.

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